Dating Someone Emotionally Unavailable: The Signs I Missed Until It Was Too Late

 

I thought he just needed time. I thought I could love him enough to stay. But the truth is, he was never emotionally available - and I ignored the signs until it broke me.

I Didn’t See It Then

If you’re reading this and wondering whether the person you’re dating is emotionally unavailable... they probably are.

And I say that with all the love in the world, because I’ve been there. I wish someone had told me sooner that hope can make you blind. That when you want something to work so badly, you’ll explain away everything that should’ve been a warning.

I thought he was just taking his time. I thought he was "guarded" because of his past. I thought we were slowly building something real. But the truth? He wasn’t emotionally available, and I kept excusing every red flag because I wanted it to be love.

I’m not writing this because I’ve got it all figured out. I’m writing this because I wish someone had grabbed my hand and told me, "This isn’t what you deserve."

He Gave Just Enough to Keep Me Hoping

Emotionally unavailable people rarely disappear completely. And that’s what makes it hard.

He didn’t ghost me. He just gave me crumbs. A message here and there. A sweet compliment when I was starting to feel distant. A random "I miss you" after days of silence. And every time, it pulled me back in.

I told myself, "See? He does care. He’s just bad at expressing it." But now I see it for what it was: breadcrumbing. He gave me just enough attention to keep me from walking away, but never enough to truly feel loved.

And I held on. Not because it felt good, but because it felt familiar. I was chasing the high of what it could be instead of accepting what it actually was.

I Was Always the One Reaching First

I was always the one starting the conversations. Planning the meet-ups. Checking in. Reaching out.

And I told myself I was just more expressive, more affectionate, more emotionally mature. But the truth? I was doing the emotional labor for both of us.

When someone wants to connect with you, they show up. They meet you halfway. But I kept making excuses for the imbalance. I convinced myself he was just busy or not good at texting, even though deep down, I was tired. I was tired of chasing someone who never once chased me back.

I should’ve seen it then. I wasn’t in a relationship. I was in a one-sided effort.

He Shut Down When Things Got Real

The moment I brought up feelings, he shut down. Any time I asked where things were going or how he felt, it became uncomfortable.

He’d change the topic. He’d say, "Let’s not complicate things." He’d go quiet. And I’d panic, like I broke something just by asking for clarity.

So I stopped asking. I kept things light. I told myself I didn’t need labels or deep talks, even though I craved them. I convinced myself that I was too emotional, too sensitive, too much.

But I wasn’t too much. He was just too unavailable.

I Didn’t Feel Emotionally Safe, But I Stayed

You know that feeling when you’re with someone, but still feel completely alone?

That was us.

I couldn’t talk about my fears. I couldn’t cry without feeling embarrassed. I couldn’t express my needs without being scared it would push him away.

It’s like I was always bracing for rejection, even in the quiet moments. Walking on eggshells. Toning myself down. I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel seen. But I stayed, because a part of me believed I could earn that safety if I was just better.

Looking back, that was the loneliest kind of love. The one where you’re holding back every part of yourself just to keep someone who barely shows up.

I Thought I Could Be “Enough” to Change Him

This one hurts.

I thought I could be patient enough. Loving enough. Low-maintenance enough. I believed that if I showed up consistently, he’d eventually open up. If I didn’t "pressure" him, he’d feel safe with me. I made his emotional distance my responsibility.

But people don’t change because you love them harder. They change when they’re ready. And he wasn’t. He didn’t want to open up. He didn’t want to meet me in the middle. He didn’t want a real connection. He just wanted the illusion of one.

I broke my own heart trying to heal someone else’s.

What I Know Now

Emotional availability isn’t too much to ask for. It’s the bare minimum.

You deserve someone who can sit in the uncomfortable conversations without shutting down. Someone who meets your effort with effort. Someone who doesn’t make you feel like love is a test you have to pass.

If you’re constantly doubting yourself, begging for clarity, lowering your needs just to be easier to love, you’re not in something healthy. You’re in something unbalanced.

I wish I could go back and tell myself, "You’re not asking for too much. You’re just asking the wrong person."

So if you needed a sign to stop holding on to someone who’s emotionally unavailable… maybe this is it.